god. i hate.Hate.HAte.HATe.HATE. this school :(

i shouldve applied to SAIC as planned.

instead plans have changed and im going out of the country i even told my mother today she said okay

so a few thousands later for me ill be moving to another country. im working on learning french.

but back to the pout fest.

i Hate this dump of a place. these people. theyre sickening to me. i have to get the flock out of here.

/////////////

ha fun news though...im getting a divorce. my first one. my roommate is leaving me for some chick on the third floor. good. she seems fake. i mostly liked her kool-aid jammers anyways.

again with the bitching.

i hate it here so much.

i feel so free when i leave.

but i dont really have a home.

i feel like my old home isnt home anymore.

i feel like my new home isnt home either.

i feel like america isnt my home.

i want so badly to up and leave this country. maybe come back if it improves. i doubt it though.

i want to start fresh i want to explore. i want to experiance a new lifestyle.

id prefer to do these with J however, his insecurities seem to be causing stress on our relationship. i wish he'd stop stressing and just be happy with me but he isnt unless everythings perfect. and its life we are human it will never be perfect. ill piss him off and he will piss me off but that wont change how i feel about him. i wish he knew truly knew how much i care. he still cant seem to grasp it. i dont know what else to do. i mean what CAN i do?

so.

after getting food poisoning fromt that grilled chicken it scared me back into not wanting to eat meat. however, this time i decided to try being a vegan.

its been a week and i absolutely love it i plan to keep this up.

i feel better about food i dont mind eating things like carbs anymore and i have more energy i feel better about myself and my body. i have felt no need to be self destructive to my body in anyway. i havent slipped up or even wanted to purge throughout the whole week. which is a HUGE step for me. i wouldnt do it but i wanted to so bad and id feel guilty about eating things, but not this past week ooooh no. i havent even thought or wanted to do purge again its the first time in a year that ive truly felt 100% happy with food and my body and who i see.

i havent been smoking either im not keeping track of how long its been either. ive been around smokers and ive been fine. i dont want to smoke anymore. a part of it is working with the kids at my job. i would die if one of those sweet little kiddos ran into me outside of school and saw me smoking. i want to be a good influence 100% not do things in private. i want no shame for who i am and plan to be. another part of not wanting to smoke is john i feel like if he sees that i can stop then maybe he'll want to cut down. now dont get me wrong i have nothing against smokers. i just really really care about him and my friends and i wish that we were all healthy and happy so that i could keep my loved ones around longer i dont wanna lose them. but then again i guess itll eventually happen and its gonna happen some way and if theyre happy that way so be it. i just idk...its a odd subject for me. but i just want to be a good influence not a bad one. i want people to be able to come to me for help or comfort and even respect me.

i just get the feeling that i wont get those things if i continue being self-destructive so im changing.

there are so many (girly yet cliche) things i want/plan to do with my life im just beginning to realize them.

i want to teach little kids to express themselves through art. i want them to feel loved. i want to have a cozy home with john and cook healthy meals together or decorate the house. i want to have kids to call my own with him and i want to love them so much that they wont even be able to imagine how much ill love them.

this is for my future kids...i love you and im already crazy about you. im already willing to sacrifice my destructive behaviors and treat myself better so you will have a mom around to take care of you and love you.

i just i want to work really hard. as hard as i can so that my kids have a better life than me. filled with so much love and happiness that they wont have a hard thing in their life to follow them or haunt them the rest of their lives.

i want to prepare dinner for my family and eat together every night since i didnt get that growing up because even though those things seem so little they count for so much.

im rambling. but i dont care because its to no one in particular. this is how i feel.

i know im young but

i want to settle down and start a family and love my live and my family will BE my everything. i cant wait to start my own family with john. ive never been so eager or excited about something in my life. but he excites me with even just the little things. i wont give up i will work hard and i will make this happen.

i think im growing up and i dont think im growing up to fast. i think im growing up just in time unlike most american youth it takes along time and then things get difficult but if i plan ahead then ill be fine.

well time to go work on school stuff